do you ever have days where you are just over it?? all of it? When you just want to get rid of everything, throw away your phone, and give up on the job and the projects, and the money and the difficult people and run through the trees naked and then perhaps go on a shopping spree and book a ticket to Paris and read a... nice book and sip on a latte and have a nice cuddle in the park???
Suffocated by the island, by staying here, by the anxiety of being a mother, a lover, gaining the weight of guilt and indulgence, the heist of my heart by underserved lovers, the year I begin to deplore the word "cruise" the compartments of my life, the way friends come and go, being able to read the subtleties in people, never want to be blissfully ignorant, but would like for once for some sincerity, recognizing jealousy, facing the messy house, the loneliness, and also the elation of the waves where I push myself, into the elements, this is only when I feel at peace, sometimes wonder if this cursed introspection and deepness will be of benefit, where to draw the lines, wonder what is going on out there in the real world, how people are liking their two story houses, their jobs procured from their four year degrees, filling up their houses with objects shit they don't need, 2.5 kids with a basement full of toys, entertainment centers, and making sure to "keep informed" watching Fox news and attending church. send me your christmas card with matching sweaters...and here I am almost 30 nine years on an island. NINE with this deep love for the elements, but feeling as if my artistic, intellectual self is dying here, how to get out, and is it only because I can't, and how I feel desperate clinging to the walls of anything I could grasp just to remember what to do here, the stress of money of always clawing my way through, hustling, trying to understand what I am here for, trying to remember that beauty is just a facade and that if someone couldn't love me for who I am now, then it's not worth it. This is my truth. how I balance the line between it all wanting to be more, to taste more to see more to live more. To BE more. Everyday