I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy~
anais nin

Go Big or Go Home

I sat on the bed chewing my fingernails looking over at him. He pulled my wrist a sort of gesture that I knew well, the beckoning to be close to him. My body entered the want, the pull I knew all too well. I sat up and looked at him. "What is it that you want?" I asked him "I thought I wanted you, and I do but you are, scary" he said in a voice that was tender and softer "What is it about me that is scary?" "Just you, I can't describe, it just...scares the shit out of me" I looked out the window studying the sway of the trees in the jungle back and forth, such a beautiful day. It always seemed like such a contradiction to be nothing but blissful on a day like this. This Fuckery of back and forth....I studied his profile, this beautiful man. I part of me found it laughable that he was so esthetically perfect, that it sounded cliche to even describe him to someone. Well he's six foot, with a perfect surfer body, chiseled jawline, that hair that would fall in his face perfectly and blow in the wind. This man, capable of taking a 30 foot wave. I looked down at my feet and my short legs, all 5'3 of my trying to understand how we came to his point, that he could be afraid of ME. How we could go from making love and sleeping and waking again in total bliss. How intense that feeling was rising up from my heart. That content moment of remembering... It was not a new story I had heard this one before. and I was trying to figure out exactly how to explain... "Let me lay this out for you in layman's terms "Let's say you are looking out the waves, it's a fucking gigantic day. The conditions aren't perfect there's a lot of undertow the wind is up. There's a lot of risk to paddle out there, you know you could get held under, you could drown. You are looking at these big macking waves and you make a decision to go out there. You go out there because it's worth it right? You go because you know if you don't, you are going to miss out. You go because it's worth it to ride that one immaculate wave. Now you could turn away and go to the kiddie pool but you are past that, you have experienced that and it didn't satisfy. Why? because it didn't challenge you. You didn't have to work for it. You have already been there." I am the big wave I am worth it, and it's scary and if you turn away now and go for what is easy. I want you to think of me every time you go out and ride that one perfect giant beautiful wave that brings you to that moment. Because that is this love and that is what you are turning away." GO BIG OR GO HOME:) with that I walked out the door into the sun. I never spoke to him again. I felt at ease because it was the first time I hadn't tried to convince someone to be with me. Indeed I was "scary" I suppose because I was instilled with a certain fierceness to be bold and be independent, because I was smart and didn't let him get away with things. Because I am a mother and a woman and it was easier to lean toward what was easy. I knew there would be one that would want me fully, not pieces of me, not stowing me away in this metaphorical box deep in the jungle. I knew there would be that one brave soul that would just know I was ready to take on the world and would want to travel it with me. I do remember that feeling on the morning when we danced in the kitchen and he propped me up on the counter, the breeze blowing through my hair. My heart was happy. And even in the moment I walked away I was still one with the world and myself. I had entered a new place. One that was not seen by anyone, was not foreseeable to the outside world. I felt for the first time at peace with walking away with grace. Letting it go and carrying on, never accepting anything but someone who was ready... for me
I walked complacent in the sun. Shrugged off his words and the heat and moved languidly toward the road. There was an ache that was palpable it was was shouldered with desire for recognition of the soul. There is no comfort in the loneliness of the underserving. I looked to the the ocean it was flat and calm, no one was out just a swimmer and few boats anchored in the bay. I dove down as deep as I could to the bottom. In those moments of holding my breath and the minor heartache, I let the current carry me. And in that dividing of time and space I realized I was no longer going to choose. That I would let the Universe choose for me. That I was no longer going to fight which way the current took me but that I would just surrender. I took in the sunlight only hearing the sound of my breath. In that moment I felt close to god somehow, some sort of strange rebirth taking place through all these minor disappointments of almost romances. Stories repeating themselves with different characters. I realized I was ready to give up the stories. I remembered with great ease all the beautiful moments of love this island had given me. There were grand heartaches but also true moments of joy. I couldn't say anyhow where I was going to end up or with whom. But in that moment I truly surrendered. I surrendered and kept on swimming and my heart was full and ready.
Some of us are born into this world feeling like we are different. Knowing that we are different than the others. We experience things intensely with heart, the veils feel thin. I think this recognition came when I was sixteen and took LSD I was watching everyone carefree and young and I wished I felt that, that fleeting window of youth, but it was not there. I locked myself in the bathroom and looked into the mirror and I looked into my eyes and I had this feeling that I had been here before, that there was something old about my soul. They pounded on the door but I could not open it, I had seen myself for the first time. Some of us do not fit in, we are different, we do not fit the normalcy of what is supposed to make us happy. To get married, to have a child, to make x amount of money a year. There is this feeling that something is missing. Because it is, we are the lost ones roaming around, feeling trapped by that. Because we belong in places where art is created, where music is heard with passion. And Love is felt passionately so much that it breaks our hearts to know that exists. We belong on trains to have the feeling of being alive of feeding that place in our hearts that must be free. To be free... We are the painters and the writers and the tortured souls and that fire is only fed when we create. There are the highs and the lows and the inward ache to get it out. Do not let that part of yourself die that fire of the will to know that other people hear the music too. The highs and the lows those too pass and in those moments where you feel alone, know that you are not. That tenderness that loneliness, other people feel that too. We all do, that feeling that you need more, pour it into tearing down expectations and being your authentic and true self. You do not need anyone's approval, just go do it. Do not let anyone kill your dream. And do not let anyone kill your happiness. And do not make yourself gray so that you do not shine. Be bright. There will be people who will critisize you, let them. And revel in the fact that your heart is full that you are moving toward your dream and many people will not understand, but there will be ones that will. When that doubt comes that ugly terrible doubt that you are not good enough or smart enough or talented enough...let that go. Let it go, dance it away. You do not need to be anyone but yourself. There are 7 billion people on this planet and if you don't feel loved right now, you will, there will be someone that gets you. Love yourself and your gifts and if you haven't found you that brings you joy and dive in. Dive in and there is loneliness in being different and there is beauty. And there are songs that need to be written and stories that need to be told. Follow your heart it is speaking loudly, listen~