I will not be just a tourist in the world of images, just watching images passing by which I cannot live in, make love to, possess as permanent sources of joy and ecstasy~ anais nin
Go Big or Go Home
I sat on the bed chewing my fingernails looking over at him. He pulled my wrist a sort of gesture that I knew well, the beckoning to be close to him.
My body entered the want, the pull I knew all too well. I sat up and looked at him.
"What is it that you want?" I asked him
"I thought I wanted you, and I do but you are, scary" he said in a voice that was tender and softer
"What is it about me that is scary?"
"Just you, I can't describe, it just...scares the shit out of me"
I looked out the window studying the sway of the trees in the jungle back and forth, such a beautiful day. It always seemed like such a contradiction to be nothing but blissful on a day like this. This Fuckery of back and forth....I studied his profile, this beautiful man. I part of me found it laughable that he was so esthetically perfect, that it sounded cliche to even describe him to someone. Well he's six foot, with a perfect surfer body, chiseled jawline, that hair that would fall in his face perfectly and blow in the wind. This man, capable of taking a 30 foot wave. I looked down at my feet and my short legs, all 5'3 of my trying to understand how we came to his point, that he could be afraid of ME.
How we could go from making love and sleeping and waking again in total bliss. How intense that feeling was rising up from my heart. That content moment of remembering...
It was not a new story I had heard this one before. and I was trying to figure out exactly how to explain...
"Let me lay this out for you in layman's terms "Let's say you are looking out the waves, it's a fucking gigantic day. The conditions aren't perfect there's a lot of undertow the wind is up. There's a lot of risk to paddle out there, you know you could get held under, you could drown. You are looking at these big macking waves and you make a decision to go out there. You go out there because it's worth it right? You go because you know if you don't, you are going to miss out. You go because it's worth it to ride that one immaculate wave. Now you could turn away and go to the kiddie pool but you are past that, you have experienced that and it didn't satisfy. Why? because it didn't challenge you. You didn't have to work for it. You have already been there."
I am the big wave I am worth it, and it's scary and if you turn away now and go for what is easy. I want you to think of me every time you go out and ride that one perfect giant beautiful wave that brings you to that moment. Because that is this love and that is what you are turning away." GO BIG OR GO HOME:) with that I walked out the door into the sun. I never spoke to him again. I felt at ease because it was the first time I hadn't tried to convince someone to be with me. Indeed I was "scary" I suppose because I was instilled with a certain fierceness to be bold and be independent, because I was smart and didn't let him get away with things. Because I am a mother and a woman and it was easier to lean toward what was easy. I knew there would be one that would want me fully, not pieces of me, not stowing me away in this metaphorical box deep in the jungle. I knew there would be that one brave soul that would just know I was ready to take on the world and would want to travel it with me. I do remember that feeling on the morning when we danced in the kitchen and he propped me up on the counter, the breeze blowing through my hair. My heart was happy. And even in the moment I walked away I was still one with the world and myself. I had entered a new place. One that was not seen by anyone, was not foreseeable to the outside world. I felt for the first time at peace with walking away with grace. Letting it go and carrying on, never accepting anything but someone who was ready... for me